How to Marry Yourself: One Woman’s Guide to Marking the Milestone of Self-Commitment
On October 26, 2019, I married myself. Though we all know what wedding ceremonies between two people can look like, self-marriage is not something that has yet been popularized. In this guide, I will take you through the steps that I took to formalize my love and commitment to myself. Remember, this is just one way of marking this milestone. If you are feeling inspired to take the leap yourself, please consider infusing elements of whatever is meaningful to you. This is how we make symbolic action truly efficacious.
Courtship
I’ll start at the beginning of this romantic comedy so that you get a full picture of what can blossom from your relationship to you. Obviously, it’s difficult to pinpoint something like a first date or a meet cute when you’re courting yourself. For me, there are a few moments that stand out as pivotal in the early stages of my journey to self-love.
Connecting to my breath and body in yoga class. I was essentially dissociating and breathing backwards until I started taking yoga in college. I had only been living in my head out of survival since I’d been a child. Our gorgeous minds allow us to imaginatively escape situations that are traumatic, which can protect us from feeling the full impact of a horrible situation. However, we can often get stuck in this dissociative state even when we’re out of danger. Re-learning how to breathe properly, connecting movement to breath, and tuning into the wisdom of my body really shifted my perception of myself. It opened me to the possibility of being fully embodied.
Realizing that I was a stranger to joy. Soon after realizing I had a body, I started going to therapy. I couldn’t yet articulate why I was there except that I knew I needed help and that something was rotten in the state of Denmark. I used words like “stress” and “anxiety” on my intake form because those were the only mental health-related terms I knew. It wouldn’t be for another few years that I would be diagnosed with complex PTSD, which would really catalyze my healing process. But in my early days of counseling, my therapist asked me, “when was the last time you felt joy?” I immediately burst into tears. I realized in that moment that I could not think of a single instance in which I had felt truly joyful. Any glimmers I had felt were shadowed by the fear and tension that were ever present within me. In time, I started to develop a more intimate understanding of my emotions and ease in letting them flow. For the first time, I allowed myself to consider experiencing joy.
Altering carefully laid plans in response to my inner knowing. I had plans. We all do. You know, those ideas we have about our careers and personal lives based on what we perceive to be ‘successful’? As a Type A, Virgo, First Generation American, I had a ridiculously granular Life Plan that would satisfy my immigrant parents and all of the normative patriarchal values that I’d internalized. Well, once I started filling my lungs with air and getting in touch with my actual emotions (both truly radical acts), I was able to let go of some of that toxic garbage. For the first time ever, I acted outside of the bounds of my Life Plan, in ways big and small. I didn’t replace it with another Plan. I just listened to my gut and started taking actions that aligned with what I’d gotten to know as my inner knowing.
Getting still & quiet. I was used to taking the lead in situations, making others feel comfortable, being the peacemaker and problem-solver that people relied upon. I was also an acrobatic artist, twisting and contorting myself to be of service to others. As I started acting in alignment with my inner knowing, I stopped performing and attenuating myself to others’ needs. For 3-4 years, I just got quiet and still and I didn’t step in to save the day. It was extremely uncomfortable.
Engagement
Guys! I promised you a romantic comedy and so far, this has been pretty bleak and dry (that’s what she said). I neglected to mention that it is somewhat of an offbeat, dark comedy. You already know it has a happy ending, so do not despair. I hope you’re still reading.
After a lengthy courtship of getting to truly know myself, I began to tap into the well of self-love. I know what you’re thinking. What an overused, saccharine expression. Self-love? What does it even mean? Isn’t it selfish? Shouldn’t we stop dwelling in this privileged palace of delusion where attending a yoga class and holding a rose quartz means we’re good people? We should be taking real action in the world to address injustice instead of this self-serving woo-woo nonsense.
I completely understand that sentiment and I have held it myself. AND. I can tell you that the deepest physical and emotional wounds I carry were inflicted by people who had internalized shame, fear, and self-loathing. Their unresolved trauma was passed down to them by the shame-bearing, fearful, self-hating people before them. And on and on. Let’s connect the dots here – there are systems and structures in place that keep these cycles of trauma, oppression, and exploitation in motion.
(Note: I held off as long as I could but I’m about to make a series of connections to the Harry Potter books. If you’re unfamiliar with them, what’s the hold up, love? Get you a copy of Sorcerer’s Stone from the library or try the audiobook).
The injustice in the world that is perpetuated by patriarchy, capitalism, racism, our governments, etc – that is Voldemort. Here’s the twist: we, as individuals, have been embedded with horcruxes. Yep, that’s right, it’s not just Harry’s dilemma. It’s ours, too. We must confront and destroy our internalized patriarchy, racism, shame and hatred before we can shout the final disarming spell that will defeat the Dark Lord.
We are doing harm by our complacency – by not wielding the Sword of Gryffindor or a basilisk fang (whichever is handy) and facing down the horcruxes within us. This, I believe, is the mythological self-sacrificial death that we see play out in sacred stories. The ultimate act of love is not necessarily to die for another. To become a beacon of light in the world, you must instead actively dismantle the parts of yourself that have been programmed to prolong the reign of evil on planet Earth.
It will take a great deal of courage and support to embark on this dark night of the soul into the underworld that lies within. But there are parts of us that must die in order to fully embody self-love. Once we’ve fought that dragon and emerged from the depths, we may find that we’ve lost some friends and that we are misunderstood. That ceases to matter to us, because we have access to the riches of wisdom and love that overflow from within – wisdom & love that we can give generously to others in the spirit of healing a broken world.
So, you see, I do not conceive of self-love as some new age lightweight pseudo-spirituality. No. It is only available to those who have done the grueling, courageous work of examining their scars and dying to themselves.
Again, a little bleak here. But don’t worry. I’m getting back to the fun stuff.
My engagement happened out of a spontaneous, heat-of-the moment wave of love and devotion to myself. I was driving to Trader Joe’s and singing along to the radio. Out of nowhere, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I realized I had been singing “I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders. And that I was singing these words to myself. And that I meant them, with the fierce protective love of a mother, the tenderness of a lover, and the compassion of a dear friend.
I knew then that I was ready to commit to a life of self-belonging, self-love, and wholeness.
The Wedding
Phew. That was a lot of preamble to get to what I thought would be a cute Buzzfeed-type listicle. How to Marry Yourself in 10 Easy Steps! Or DIY Your Own Self-Marriage Wedding on a Budget. The truth is that these rites of passage and milestones in our lives, like marriage, are a really big freaking deal. We become something more, we change, we grow. It’s important to honor how and why the milestone has occurred. Again, meaning + symbolic action = efficacious ritual. Without further ado, here are some of the steps I look to take this true love to the next level.
Engagement ring – I bought a simple silver band, which I wore on my ring finger on my right hand for the year and a half of my engagement. I switched it to my left after the wedding.
Name change – I legally changed my middle and last names to reflect who I was becoming, my priorities, and what I valued. Myth and spirituality are central to my meaning-making process, so I drew largely from those reservoirs. For legal reasons, I had to have my name change advertised in the local paper. I viewed it as a wedding announcement and when it was published, I was giddy all day. Excitement was building with every official document and account that changed to reflect my new name.
Big life shifts/compromises – I completely veered off the career track I was on and moved to Maine. I was in pursuit of slow, quiet, spacious beauty to integrate into my marital life. I set myself up for long term commitment and contentment by making big logistical shifts. My married life would be even more full of love and wholeness than I had as a single woman. I was heeding my own needs and keeping the magic alive in my heart.
Design vision & symbols – Speaking of my heart, I asked my dear artist friend Sarah Graziano if she would be willing to design an Immaculate Heart of Mary for me. I knew I wanted to incorporate this iconography into my wedding since I viewed it as a symbol of resilience and compassion. It is an image that my grandmothers and great grandmothers prayed to, so it was also a way of representing my lineage. It depicts an eternal flame, which is related to both names I chose for myself – Maria and Vesta. I had my friend’s beautiful rendering made into a temporary tattoo and wore it on my wedding day. I incorporated other meaningful visual elements, such as a laurel wreath, drape-y white top, and veil as a nod to the Vestal Virgins. Like many a bride, I assembled my vision into a Pinterest Board to share with my photographer.
Photographer – When I first started dreaming this up months ago, I envisioned a very specific person as the photographer who would capture this moment. We knew each other a little from college and when I reached out to her and we reconnected, we poured our hearts out to each other. It made sense why I was guided to trust her with this intimate part of myself and she did a fantastic job. Helen Fowowe is a freelance photographer based in Boston, please give her a shout if you’re in the area and need a gentle, professional, patient person to photograph you.
Date & venue – I set the date and picked a venue based on what felt right and meaningful to me. October in Salem, MA – it doesn’t get more weird and witchy than that. The time of day, just before dawn, was the time that I was born and is a liminal moment between night and day. The venue, Dead Horse Beach, was one that I used to frequent and loved for its dark history and aesthetic beauty. It is indeed where dead horses were once dispersed, and in contemporary times, where Salem residents bring their Christmas trees in January for a bonfire-type disposal. Again, you can see my recurring themes and symbols – death, rebirth, fire.
Wedding party – I reached out to a few people who had really witnessed and supported me through this life-altering process of getting to know myself, advocating for my needs, and healing my trauma. I asked them to be bridesmaids and they said yes. Before, during, and after the ceremony, I received loving messages of support from them and it meant the world.
Zola website – I crafted my wedding website using a template from Zola. I included an explanation of what my self-marriage was about, bios of my bridesmaids, a date and time when I asked folks to energetically support me, a gift registry, etc. I had a lot of fun using the familiar structure of a wedding website and making it meaningful to my situation. It felt playful and empowering to craft my Zola page and invite others to my wedding by sharing the link on social media.
Bachelorette – I’m an introvert and HSP. I like to go deep, prefer one on ones to group hangs, and get exhausted by loud, frenetic energy. So I planned the day before my wedding day to be as relaxing as possible. I scheduled a hot stone massage near my Airbnb, after which I picked up a bottle of locally made spiced mead (shout out to 1634 Meadery). I had arranged to meet a friend at a cozy tavern for dinner, where we would have a sumptuous meal and celebrate our progress toward self-love. We had agreed to wear red, so I ordered a red silk dress and black boots from Thred Up. I wanted to embody and fully experience pleasure for my Bachelorette party, and I did.
Vows – The day before my wedding, I wrote two lists: one of my old patterns and beliefs that had died (just call me Horcrux-slayer) and one of my vows to myself and to god.
Ceremony – The ceremony was just me and my photographer friend, Helen, at dawn on a cold, rocky beach. I had planned out what I would do and she would capture me doing it.
First, I created my sacred space by burning some frankincense resin on charcoal disks. I focused on my intention and invoked my guides and all benevolent beings, including the lovely people who were up at dawn thinking of me, as I walked the circumference of a circle with the incense, dropping rose petals as I went.
Next, I took my list of old patterns/beliefs and burned it.
Finally, I prostrated myself on the sand, facing the ocean. I modeled this part of the ceremony on the Catholic sacrament of holy orders. I had seen a haunting depiction of this in the TV adaptation of Sor. Juana Inés’ life and it stayed with me. I wanted to embody dying to myself, and this is the symbolism that worked for me.
Next, I walked into the ocean. This symbolic action captured dissolution, surrender, and renewal.
I then changed into an all-white outfit that displayed my heart, a nod to what I had overcome and to the inner fire that I was committing to tending.
With Helen’s guidance, I embodied poses that reflected my vows, my inner clarity, my devotion to god and self.
Reception – I arranged to spend time with another dear one after the ceremony. My friend and I spent some quality time at an apple orchard, walked on beautiful Crane Beach in Ipswich, and shared a lovely meal together. The next morning, the party continued with a celebratory brunch I shared with yet another dear friend. We each pulled a tarot spread and stated our intentions to integrate the cards’ message into our lives. This is how INFJ’s throw down. Intimacy, connection, meaning-making.
Honeymoon – The weekend after my wedding, I had signed up for a workshop about something that I was interested in learning more about – Core Shamanism. I knew I would be spending some time in a yurt, being guided on journeys, and exploring invisible realms. This is the kind of juicy spiritual adventure that I lust after and it made for a uniquely fitting honeymoon.
Thank yous – I had thank you cards & envelopes made from Zola and sent them out to my wedding party, to everyone who had contributed to my registry, and to anyone who had been a part of my day in a big way.
Well, friends, that’s it! I intended this to be a short summary but this is what flowed out of my heart and onto the page. I hope that my self-marriage has inspired you on some level. Remember that self-love is one of the most powerful ways that you can fight evil and begin to heal your lineage, your community, the planet. Remember that you can be the priest/ess of your own life by creating meaning out of symbols and stories that resonate with you.
My wedding registry, which is still open, only contains one item – tuition to become a Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant. By Fall 2020, I will be available to help guide folks in crafting meaningful rites of passage, officiate weddings, etc. As a ritual specialist, I will get to work with others to ensure that their milestones are marked in ways that keep their inner flame lit from the inside out.
Thank you for witnessing this milestone in my life.
