My Unconventional Dream Wedding

In a typical year, November and December are the months in which the highest percentage of engagements occur in the United States. While that seasonal spike in proposals may be muted this year (considering restrictions on travel and in person gatherings), there are still many newly engaged couples to toast. Cheers, my dears!

In celebration of the happy couples who will inevitably begin 2021 with a flurry of enthusiastic wedding planning, I want to share some out of the box ceremony ideas that I have for my own unconventional dream wedding. May it inspire you to shed all preconceived notions of what a rite of passage “should” be.

Guerrilla-style surprise ceremony

I would invite our closest friends over for an innocuous dinner party and spring the wedding upon them. I imagine that this would take considerable pressure off of everyone and, I think, may add an air of magical spontaneity to the occasion. Of course, the spontaneity would be an illusion - I would have everything most beautifully planned in advance.

Our friends would perform the ceremony

I would write the ceremony myself and break it up into small pieces. I’d secretly distribute the parts to those in attendance (perhaps taped behind their cocktail napkin?) and have them perform it on the fly. In most weddings, attendees are mere spectators. For my ceremony, our friends would play an integral role in completing our rite of passage. I like the distinction of being initiated by our community, rather than performing a wedding for our community.

Processing towards each other

Instead of having a traditional procession where the bride/groom waits by the altar as their partner processes down the aisle, I want us to process in simultaneously from opposite directions, unescorted, and meet each other in the middle.

Circular seating arrangements

Following that same train of thought, I would like to be encircled by our guests. We, the couple, would be in the middle of the ceremonial space rather than the front. This spatial arrangement changes the ceremonial vibe from ritual theater to intimate initiation. Being held within this container by our friends feels more powerful and supportive to me. I want their love and well wishes to radiate towards the center and to enter into our hearts. 

Matching shapeless outfits

I want to wear a matching, oversized natural fiber smock or robe with my partner. This sartorial choice is meaningful to me in that it visually symbolizes our egalitarian relationship and establishes us as rite of passage initiates. I also like that it redirects the wedding industry’s emphasis from aesthetics and consumerism to the content of the ceremony and our transformative vows.

Community vows

In addition to making vows to each other as spouse and spouse, I’d like for us to make vows to the community and vice versa.

Shadow vows

The following excerpt from Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche by Robert A. Johnson says it all:

I recently heard about a couple who had the good sense to call upon the shadow in a prewedding ceremony. The night before their marriage, they held a ritual where they made their “shadow vows.” The groom said, “I will give you an identity and make the world see you as an extension of myself.” The bride replied, “I will be compliant and sweet, but underneath I will have the real control. If anything goes wrong, I will take your money and your house.” They then drank champagne and laughed heartily at their foibles, knowing that in the course of their marriage, these shadow figures would inevitably come out. They were ahead of the game because they had recognized the shadow and unmasked it.

How juicy is that ritual? After reading that excerpt, I can’t imagine my wedding without shadow vows.

Remember - you get to choose how to celebrate your milestones. If you’d like some guidance on how to craft a wedding ceremony that reflects your values and your unique style, you know where to find me. Congrats to the newly affianced couples of 2020!