What To Do When You've Been Asked to Officiate a Wedding
You’ve been asked to officiate a wedding. Now what? First of all, congratulations! It is an honor to be chosen to facilitate a rite of passage. Take a moment to appreciate that you have been entrusted to hold space for celebration and transformation. Under your care, two people will become married. What a precious opportunity.
You are also part of a growing trend. Even before the pandemic, more and more couples have been asking a friend or family member to officiate their weddings instead of turning to clergy or celebrants. I think that this is wonderful - it shows that folks are taking their milestones into their own hands. I’m all about that kind of ritual agency!
As a Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant and wedding ceremony expert, I want to help eliminate any stress and uncertainty you may have about officiating. I also want to encourage and empower you to get creative and not fall into the “cookie-cutter wedding” trap. So often in life, we replicate what we’ve seen before without thinking critically or creatively. It doesn’t have to be that way! Our lives and our ceremonies can be richly interesting, whimsical, and oh so very juicy.
Step by step, I will guide you through any considerations that you and the happy couple may want to take into account before the big day. After completing these suggested prompts/exercises, you will be well-equipped to perform your officiant role with confidence and of course, with your own unique style & flair!
If you find that you would like some extra support, I am available to work with you one-on-one. I offer ceremony writing and consulting services. Don’t hesitate to reach out.
Legality of Solemnizing a Marriage
First things first - do you have the legal authority to solemnize a marriage? Unless you are a judge or an ordained minister, you will likely have to do a bit of research. Marriage laws vary by state. Some states allow you to apply for a one-day marriage officiant license. Others require that you are an ordained minister - which is often possible to achieve quite easily online. If it’s a destination wedding outside of the U.S., you may have to solemnize the marriage in the U.S. before or after the wedding ceremony. The bureaucratic hoops you’d have to jump through for an international wedding simply are not worth it.
If you are going the online ordination route, please be cautious. Some states have ruled that marriages solemnized by the Universal Life Church and other online ordination bodies are voidable - meaning that they would be subject to annulment if contested in court. With that in mind, it is possible that you may have to rely on a public notary, Justice of the Peace, or ordained minister recognized by your state to sign the marriage license.
Do your research based on where the wedding is taking place - Grandmother Google will provide. If you’re still unclear after a basic web search and muddling through your state’s legalese, it’s a good idea to contact the town clerk of the wedding location or your local Register of Deeds office and ask them to explain your options.
Prompt: List the steps that you will take to obtain the legal authority to solemnize the marriage.
Marriage License
After you are clear on your ability to solemnize the marriage, you will need to connect with the couple regarding their marriage license. As the officiant, it is your responsibility to ensure that this document is obtained, signed by you and both parties, and filed in a timely fashion after the wedding. In most cases, the couple will need to go to their nearest town office in person to apply for their marriage license. Depending on the state, the couple has 30-90 days after obtaining the license to wed. Therefore, it is important to take the wedding date into account. Make sure that the wedding day falls within the timeframe of the valid wedding license. Similarly, you will have a fixed timeframe in which to file the license after the wedding.
In summary, make sure the couple obtains their marriage license in time for their wedding, have them bring the license to the wedding (or even better, to the rehearsal), have them sign the license during or immediately after the ceremony, and file the completed form(s) as soon as possible after the wedding.
Prompt: List the steps that you and the couple will take to ensure that the marriage license is issued, completed and filed. Include relevant timeframes.
The Ceremony
Phew, that’s all the boring paperwork taken care of. Now, on to the fun stuff a.k.a. the ceremony! Most of us have an idea of what a wedding looks like from TV and films and from our own religious and/or cultural traditions. However, if you were selected to serve as the officiant, the couple is probably open to non-traditional ceremony options. And boy, are there options! The only “required” piece of the ceremony is the acknowledgement of both parties that they consent to marry each other. They don’t have to say the specific words “I do”, they don’t have to exchange rings, say vows, have a wedding party, hold a bouquet, wear a white dress or a tux, process in a certain order, or anything that you’ve seen in the movies. The ceremony is a blank canvas and it is up to you to figure out what your couple wants.
A blank canvas can be intimidating, which is why I’m going to give you some solid guidelines and frameworks to work with. First, regarding time - a typical wedding ceremony is 15-30 minutes in length, from procession to recession. Any less, and it will feel too short. Any more, and it will drag.
Next, components - these are ritual elements that your couple may or may not want to include in their ceremony:
Ceremony parts/ritual elements
Processional
Entrance of the Groom(s) or Bride(s)
Creating Sacred Space
Welcome or Invocation
Ancestor Honoring
Acknowledgement of Honored Guests
Poetry or Prose Readings
Music
Love Story
Vows
Exchange of Rings
Exchange of Gifts
Handfasting
Other Unity Rituals
Religious and/or Cultural Rites & Rituals
Signing of Marriage License
Declaration of Marriage
Presentation of the Couple
Announcements/Closing Remarks
Recessional
Once you discern which of these components (or others) to include, remember that you don’t necessarily have to facilitate every part of the ceremony - your couple may want to involve other loved ones as well. They may have someone in mind for the readings, they might want their parents to warm/bless their rings, there might be an elder or religious leader who can enact certain rites that you are not qualified to perform.
You might be wondering, how do I find out what the couple wants? It’s simple. You ask them. At the very least, I recommend having a conversation with them focused solely on the ceremony. Get a sense for what they’re looking for and what is important to them. They may have a really clear vision of what they want, which makes your job simple. Or they may not know where to start - in which case, you get to exercise your creativity!
In either case, I recommend what I was taught in my Celebrant training - after you have a conversation with the couple, send them a questionnaire to be answered individually. This can be a fun exercise for them, as an invitation to reflect on their relationship. I use Google Forms for convenience. My wedding questionnaire is around 25 questions long but yours can be as succinct or thorough as you like. I think that the most essential questions to ask are “what do you definitely want to include in your ceremony?” and “what do you definitely NOT want to include in your ceremony?” The rest is extra, as long as you and the couple understand which parts of the ceremony you are responsible for writing and performing.
Prompt: Schedule a time to talk with the couple about the ceremony. Which ritual elements do they want included in their ceremony? Create and send the couple a questionnaire with any additional questions you have.
Additional questions to consider asking:
If there is to be a procession, what is the order?
Are there any honored guests to acknowledge, people to thank?
Does the couple want to write their own vows? Would they rather be prompted by you?
If they are exchanging rings, who will be holding them?
How does the couple want to be presented? Wife & wife? Spouses? Mr. and Mrs. X? Get clear on preferred terminology.
What is the overall vibe that they want from their ceremony? Joyful, silly, whimsical, casual, cozy, formal, traditional? Do they want you, the officiant, to deliver a stand up comedy routine or be a de facto priest? Perhaps somewhere in between?
Who are the other wedding vendors involved? Musicians, photographers, videographers? Wedding venue coordinator or wedding planner? You will want to ensure that all of these folks have a cue sheet or a copy of the ceremony that you’ve written.
Rehearsal - will there be one? If so, who is running the rehearsal - you or someone else? If not, is there anyone you need to connect with before the ceremony to ensure it flows smoothly?
Tips for writing the ceremony:
A wedding is a rite of passage ceremony. Rites of passage tend to have three main components, in the following order: separation, initiation, and incorporation. In a wedding, the separation is typically enacted by the processional and “giving away” ritual components. The initiation is often brought forth through unity rituals and vows, exchange of rings and the kiss. Incorporation is seen in community vows/blessings, the presentation of the couple, and the recessional. Keep these three rite of passage stages in mind when writing your ceremony.
If you really want to bring the “wow” factor - find one or two themes to weave throughout the ceremony. From your conversation(s) with the couple and the questionnaire, you should be able to discern at least one overarching theme for their union, for their love story. It can be anything as basic as “2 Become 1” (that’s a Spice Girls reference for you 90’s babes) to saccharine cliches like “soulmates” or “companions on the journey of life” to “Beauty and the Beast” (now I’m just being silly). The theme can also refer to how the couple met and what’s important to them. If they met at an arboretum and love to go camping, then use nature/trees/growing together metaphors. You get the idea. Sticking to 1-2 themes will make the ceremony cohesive and impactful. Make sure that the music selections, readings, and rituals mesh with your theme(s)...but don’t overdo it. Exercise a light touch but be intentional. Ceremony-crafting is an art, not a science. Have fun with it.
My last tip, and a hallmark of a Life-Cycle Celebrant wedding - tell the couple’s Love Story. In the ceremony, after the separation but before the initiation rituals - tell the story of how the couple came to be together. Describe their unique relationship and what is special about them. Storytelling will take your ceremony from ordinary to extraordinary.
Prompt: What themes emerged from your conversation with the couple and/or the questionnaire? Write the ceremony by fleshing out the ritual elements in order of separation, initiation, incorporation. Weave the elements together through storytelling and by infusing the theme(s) into the narrative. The ceremony should flow like a veritable stream of lyricism and meaning-making.
Last considerations:
Will you have access to a microphone or will you need to project your voice? Practice the ceremony ahead of time. You don’t have to memorize any of it, but get comfortable with the content and pacing.
What will you wear? Ask the couple if they have a preference for colors and/or styles. After all, you’ll likely end up in some of the photos.
Do you need any props or supplies? Based on your ceremony, what do you need to bring? Candles, a lighter, ribbon or scarf for handfasting? Bring at least one pack of those pocket-sized tissues and extra copies of the ceremony.
Prompt: Send a copy of the ceremony to the couple for their approval. After making requested edits, practice. Print out extra copies to bring to the rehearsal and/or wedding.
Well folks, that’s how it’s done in the Celebrant biz! I’ve just shared with you, in extreme brevity, my entire process as a Wedding Celebrant. I hope it has given you some ideas about how to approach your officiant role and inspired you to level up your ceremony-crafting game. Take what serves you and leave the rest. Enjoy the process and this tremendous honor. Again, feel free to reach out if you’d like some extra support! I’m here for you.